WHY THE CIRCLE?

FOUNDER & PRIMARY SONGWRITER

“My face wears a smile but my heart’s full of tears”

That’s a line I wrote for the song for an amazing group of women who attend a PANDAS Postnatal Depression Support Group. I visited them in July 2019 to run a songwriting workshop for them and was overwhelmed by their openness and kindness. They treated me as one of their own and made me feel more sure than ever that being diagnosed with postnatal depression was not the end of the story, which was a massive comfort to me...

You see, I was also diagnosed with postnatal depression in December 2018 a year and a half after having our first child. I had given birth to our daughter in April 2017 and had silently suffered postnatal depression and psychosis but was too ashamed to tell anyone due to the stigma surrounding it. I painted on a smile and pretended to all the world that everything was fine, even shooting a television show for Sky One, recording an album and making a music video during this time but it felt like a shadow had been cast over my heart and nothing would lift it.

It was only after giving birth to our son in October 2018 and began to feel the same darkness and desperation that I finally reached out for help. With counselling, medication and the boundless love and support from my family and friends I now feel back to my old self again, most days.

I began to research postnatal depression while up at 3am feeding the baby and realised not only how common it is but that there is so much support out there for those suffering.

I felt inspired to do something to help others so had the idea to set up Lyrical Light, a songwriting workshop for people with pre and postnatal depression. Since then I’ve been honoured to win Freelancer of the Year so have used some of the generous prize money to set up the business. I’ve been working with charities including PANDAS Foundation and Mother For Mothers, The Postnatal Project and hospitals including Southmead and NHS Mother and Baby Units.

A year later I wrote the book Not The Only One which featured real-life stories of mums and dads who had come through postnatal depression. It also featured lyrics from the Lyrical Light workshops.

From there, my best friend, Abi suggested I write a musical featuring the story of a woman with postnatal depression. I had never before thought of writing a musical but Abi knew that I had the skills to do it as I loved and taught musical theatre, and was a songwriter. I eventually gave in and started writing the musical in August 2021. At that moment The Circle started to become a reality.

FOUNDER & BOOK WRITER

“I’m sorry Eloise, you have unexplained infertility… What does that mean? It means we can’t find a precise reason why you are unable to carry a child beyond 12 weeks. We think given your age, you would make a sensible candidate for IVF”

As a 30-year-old woman, I was trying to listen carefully to what the fertility doctors were saying but my mind was clouded over, and warm salty water started to stream from my eyes. I had been trying to have a baby for four years already, and even if I couldn’t have a child I thought I would find out why. Still, there were no answers and the frustration was enormous.

I was physically and emotionally bruised. There were no answers. There was hope – that IVF would provide the magic. I began my IVF journey.

Talking about this with other women on the same journey I came to realise what a bizarre lottery getting pregnant is for so many of us. A wealth of information can be found that isn’t given to you but will affect everything you do and the decisions you make. I had the right to choose. I had completed one round of unsuccessful IVF, and decided to move hospitals. Their success statistics were significantly higher.

This hospital offered me a slightly different and less invasive procedure IUI. Intro Uterine Insemination. Six rounds were available on the NHS in this postcode. I began injecting myself daily and follicles were measured before the self-administered injections were changed

Sadly none of them were successful. I was 7 years in and emotionally broken. My marriage fell apart. Having a baby on your own wasn’t something I had considered.

Life continued. People I knew and strangers asked inappropriate questions and I just replied ‘I can’t have children’. Then I was offered private healthcare through my partner’s company. Investigations were thorough and I was having surgery to remove a polyp in my womb.

When I came round I was told that surgery had not been possible. There was no polyp. They had discovered submucosal fibroid tumours and surgery had to be rescheduled. I was to choose between a resection and a full hysterectomy. I chose a resection. Some 5 months later this was complete.

Nothing changed in the day-to-day. I was still not able to carry a child longer than a number of weeks and it was time to give IVF another try. In this postcode, the NHS provided just one round. Before we could proceed a standard hysterosalpingogram was required. I signed the forms to say there was no reason why my womb and fallopian tubes could not be flooded with ultraviolet dye in order to X-ray.

It was the day to start IVF, I was ten days late, and when the doctor asked me where I was in my cycle it was queried as to why I had not done a pregnancy test already. ‘Every time I go through a procedure it throws my cycle out, I’m not surprised I’m late. I just had a hysterosalpingogram there is no way I’m pregnant

I peed and I waited. Jane the nurse walked into the waiting room. Her smile was enormous. We didn’t exchange any words but I kissed her. My daughter had hung on through all of those tests. She is a miracle and that is why her name is Grace.